>> Thursday, May 8, 2014

It was a wonderful day.
Sun shining.
Birds chirping.
Elmo singing.
Freeway humming.
It was just one of those warm and fuzzy, hearts and flowers, rainbows and bunnies, kind of days.

I then unlocked the office door.
And it all went to crap.

A tenant barges through the front door.
Because it is a well-known fact, that one cannot simply stroll through an apartment manager’s office, a dramatic entrance MUST be made—this is very important information, so make sure you write that down.

The guy is an annoying tenant who lives towards the back of the property. He was wearing an undershirt, boxers, white socks and, Birkenstocks.

He storms up to my desk, clearly pissed off, and just stares at me, as if I am able to read minds.
I stare back, wide eyed and waiting. 
Elmo still singing about the joys of potty training in the background.
Finally, Birkenstocks Sock Dude decides to speak.

BSD: “I am so mad.”

Me: “Clearly, why?”

BSD: “I just went into the laundry room, to get my uniform out of the dryer, and it has been stolen!”

Me: “I am sorry about that. When did you put it in there? I just opened the laundry rooms fifteen minutes ago?”

BSD: “Does it matter?” 

Me: “Uh, yes.”

BSD: “Yesterday. I already called the police to make a report.”

Me: “About your uniform being stolen, a uniform that you left in the dryer for at least a day?”

BSD: “Yeah, I’m a cop, and stealing a cop’s uniform is a felony.”

Me: “Uhhhhhhh…..I thought you were a security guard at the mall?”

BSD: rolls eyes and shakes his head. “It’s the same thing.”

Me: “Uh, sure.”

The police stroll through an hour later. Birkenstocks Sock Dude is still donning the same outfit, as if putting on clothes would detour the officers from the severity of the situation.

A report was made.

The FBI were put on the case, and America’s Most Wanted plastered a sketch of the suspect on their next broadcast, the local news team swarmed the apartment building, and I hear Brooklyn Decker is set to play me in the movie.


Later that day, a tenant came in with the uniform. She said that it was mixed in with her laundry, because she likely threw her wet clothes into the dryer without looking first.

I thanked her for bringing it back.

And then I told her she should assume a different identity and run away to Mexico, because she didn’t know it at the time, but she was now a wanted FELON.

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