To all renters out there,

Dear Tenants,

The little slots on the front of the washers and dryers are for quarters only. The machines do not accept any other form of payment such as —Chuck-e-Cheese coins, buttons, metal washers, Canadian currency or gum. If you should find yourself perplexed as to whether the small round item in your hand will work— simply look at it, if George Washington is on one side, an eagle is on the other, and it says QUARTER DOLLAR across the bottom, chances are you are safe to proceed. If you are still unsure, please seek out your nearest five year old for guidance.

Rent is still due the first of every month. Not every other month, not just when you feel like it, and not only once you’ve received an eviction notice—but, every single month. Despite popular belief, expecting you to pay rent, on the apartment in which you are renting, does not make the owner a money hungry a-hole, even when you claim to have lost your job, but miraculously found the money to buy a new iPhone. 

Please note that the emergency phone line is used for just that, EMERGENCIES. Dropping your contact lens down the drain is not an emergency. Your cable goes out, not my problem, and also not an emergency. It’s 2:00 a.m., and you decide to install your own bidet, but screw it up because you have no idea how to use tools—not an emergency.  If you are renting a downstairs unit, you will hear the neighbors above you walk. Sorry, I cannot require residents to levitate—this is also not an emergency

Poo colored water dripping from your ceiling—emergency. You smell smoke, and notice the fire alarm in your neighbors’ apartment has been going off for over an hour—emergency! If you believe you are having a heart attack, it might prove wise to call 911, as opposed to the emergency line. Fact: being CPR certified is not a job requirement.

The sidewalks are not ashtrays. The laundry room sinks are not trashcans. The bushes are not urinals. If you are in need of directions, phone numbers or dinner reservations, please use the Internet. I am not your personal concierge.

Running power cords from the laundry room to your apartment is not allowed. Yes, I realize the House Rules does not specifically prohibit this. The Owner is naïve, and believed common sense would cover the items not specifically addressed.  If your apartment is lacking in power, try paying your electric bill.

Please understand I don’t care what religion, nationality or gender you are, but if you hang a giant crucifix in the laundry room, I will take it down. When I ask you to refrain from playing your drums at midnight, it’s not because I don’t appreciate good music, it’s because you don’t know how to make it. Plus, your neighbors enjoy using the emergency line.

If you should desire to move-out in the middle of the night, because you asked to get out of your lease without paying the penalty, and I said no—please note the U-Haul truck is the exact same height as the protruding patios. It cost $700 to repair the patio, even more to repair the top of the U-Haul, and if I find you stuck under a patio at 1:00 a.m. I will still make you pay the lease-breaking fee.

Thank you in advance to those of you who choose to cooperate. I hope you understand that I work very hard to keep this complex safe and enjoyable for both you and your guests.

I must go now Ellen is on.  

Sincerely,

Your Apartment Manager