Turbo goes GREEN

>> Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Happy Happy EARTH DAY! 


In honor of earth day, I wanted to share two of my favorite Turbo stories.
Who is Turbo you ask?
Turbo was a lovely tenant who was related to the owner, and fortunately for me, and I mean that in every sarcastic way possible, babysitting this 45 year old man was part of my undisclosed job duties.

The Sign

Here is California we have what is called Prop 65, by law, any and all business that are open to the public must display a Prop 65 plaque...

Basically it says that this area contains chemicals that are known to cause birth defects and cancer. Honestly, it isn't the most comforting thing to read when you are waiting in the drive-thru at Jack-N-The-Box. I once found this sign mounted to a box of metal folding chairs at Costco. I stood there for several minutes, debating if I should buy the folding chairs that I specifically went there to get, since Thanksgiving was the next day, and procrastination is basically my middle, last, and maiden name. I ultimately declined, since giving everyone food poisoning was my biggest concern, and I imagine giving everyone cancer and babies with extra limbs would be far worse.

Anyways, I digress.

Turbo comes storming in to my office one day(shirtless and no shoes, but pants on phew!) going on and on and on about how dare we use chemicals that cause cancer. How he believes that we should be using all natural chemicals that wont harm the tenants or the environment. How we should be thinking of others when we use these "harsh" chemicals.
Yes, I am sure the vinegar and water mixture that I use to clean the laundry rooms is far more harmful than the cigarette sticking out of your mouth right now, and the smoke blowning right into my face.
Makes perfect sense.

The Door-

While Turbo was on his GREEN kick, we replaced the office doors. Each door was made of wood and after installation we were planning on painting them to match the rest of the building.

Turbo comes barging in(he always has to make an entrance) and is in tears because he does not want us to harm these poor innocent wooden doors. He goes on to say that we are clearly hurting the environment by covering these doors with paint. They need to breath and create life?

Have you ever seen a wooden door procreate?
Me neither.

After our painfully long conversation, Turbo dropped the "saving the doors campaign" and decided that we should paint the doors, and that we should most certainly paint them red.
Because apparently red paint wont stifle the doors attempts at procreation as opposed to the brown paint we were planning on. 
Plus, taking decorating tips from Turbo makes perfect sense.

After we painted the doors brown to match the rest of the building Turbo called my boss, the owner of the property management company, to complain that I was not taking care of the place and there were little creatures running all around by the trashcans!?!?

What the...

Maybe the doors did procreate?


Flying Cockroaches

>> Monday, April 21, 2014

"Thank you for calling_________apartments, this is Erin."

"Hey, yeah, it's ME in apartment $$, I just got home and my apartment is covered in cockroaches. They are flying everywhere. Can you send someone over?"

"Uh, flying?"

"Yeah, flying."

"All right, let me call the bug guy and get back to you."

I hung up the phone, took a minute to do a little yucky bug dance in my chair, and then took to the internet.
See, cockroach is like the F-WORD in apartment management.
Because if one apartment has the F-WORD, then all their neighbors do too.

I guess you could say it's like lice or herpes.

And these suckers NEVER die, just when you think they are gone...nope...here comes another one with his sixteen cousins.

It's terrible. 

Now, in my years of management I was not aware that cockroaches could fly. I didn't think there was anything worse than seeing a giant cockroach crawling across the floor, but for one to be flying across the room? That takes the nastiness to a whole new vomit worthy level.

So, I took to the internet.

Turns out flying cockroaches are called Megaloblatta Longipennis.
After I read this, I had to stop for a moment and let out a long string of immature giggles over the fact that someone named a cockroach, longipennis.

I mean, really? 

I decided to go back to the apartment to see how bad of an infestation we were dealing with.
I knocked on the door, and the tenant answered and then granted me entrance.
And yuck, the apartment was really dirty.
I've seen worse, after all, I worked in property management.
But it could use a good cleaning, really really good cleaning.

She lead me to her kitchen where I came face to face with a swarm of fruit flies.

YES, freaking fruit flies.

Let us recap.

An itty bitty FRUIT FLY

A Longipennis cockroach

I informed her that if she were to discard the mushy brown bananas off her counter, and deposited them into the trash, then her "cockroaches" should also disappear.


Security Deposit Reconciliation

>> Sunday, April 20, 2014

Dear Apartment Manager,

I just recieved my "deposit reconciliation" in the mail, and I use quotes because I believe I am being snarky even though, in this case, the quotes make absolutely no sense. I am besieged with vexation, because I enjoy using the thesaurus, about the cleaning and trash removal charges. Apparently, you have never heard of Proposition 13, which doesn't pertain to this situation at all, but I think I will scare you with my Google legal degree, and do not understand the ramifications of unlawfully holding a security deposit. According to my lawyer, who doesn't exist, I should be returned my FULL deposit. What I left behind was not "trash", since when is a Iron Gym trash? Since when is a computer screen from 1992 and a flower pinata considered trash? And the German Phrases For Dummies, I supposed that is considered trash, and if so, then I think my pretend lawyer would be happy to know that you are a racist as well as a slumlord. It takes a lot of presumption to charge me for cleaning when I lived in that dump of an "apartment" for over a year. The paint was peeling, the bathtub was dirty when I moved in, and the conditions were unlivable, even though I never complained about it once during my tenancy, and I am clearly pulling stuff out of my butt at this point. I expect to be refunded the remaining balance of my deposit within the next 48 hours. Otherwise I will be forced to see you in small claims court, even though once I get there I will realize it cost more to file a claim than what I am owed by you, and then I will probably just go get a sandwich instead.


First Name, Middle initial, Last Name

Picture submitted by Marianne for the Picture Contest. 


Killer Bees

>> Monday, April 14, 2014

At 5:30 p.m. the courtyards come alive again.
Tenants stroll in, stopping at the mailboxes, grabbing their packages from the office, waving to their neighbors as they arrive home from a long day of work.

On this particular day, I was passing out everyone’s Amazon packages, when I heard screaming from the courtyard.
I looked out the window and saw several tenants running out of their apartments.

I walked out of the office and asked what was wrong, and everyone said that their apartments were filled with bees.
Now, I had done this long enough to realize that every situation is an EMERGENCY!!! AHHHHHH!!!! LIFE IS OVER!!!!!!
And eleven times out of ten, it’s actually not.

So, I figured when a tenant said their apartment was filled with bees, there were a few fruit flies. 
I went into the first apartment and holy freakin bees, there was a swarm in the bathroom.
I walked into the second apartment, even more bees, all where coming from the bathroom.
I then walked into the third apartment, and I found the tenant in the bathroom with a pair of scissors, yes I said scissors, and he was trying to cut the bees in order to kill them. 

Scissor boy then informed me that the bees were coming out of the toilet, yes I said toilet, which makes perfect sense, because bees have gills and can swim up through the plumbing system.

I called the bug guy.
By this point, tenants had been stung by the mutant bumblebee fish hybrids, and we set up a triage at the picnic table fully equipped with band-aids and hugs.
Scissors guy emerged from his apartment and announced he was allergic.
Now, I am not a genius, but if you were allergic to bees wouldn’t it be a better idea to, oh I don’t know, exit the apartment as soon as possible instead of trying to cut the little fast moving insects with a pair of scissors?

Bug guy arrived.
I may, or may not have, asked him nonchalantly if bees had the capacity to swim through the water pipes.
He said no.

Turns out the bees were coming through the vent, and bug guy found two large hives.
I then had a tenant start to cry because we were killing the bees.
She had her five-month old baby on her hip, and was STANDING in front of one of the hives, bees swarming around her, in protest.

Now I’ve seen the BEE MOVIE, on multiple occasions, so I’m basically an entomologist.

However, I wasn’t about to put six tenants up at the local No Tell Motel, while we discussed how to peacefully evict our unwanted friends.

Long story short, we got rid of the hives.
And by we, I mean the bug guy did.

And protest lady called me a bad name and said she was going to move.
But guess what?
I got over it. 
And she is still there. 

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