Security Deposit Reconciliation

>> Thursday, May 8, 2014

Dear Apartment Manager,

I just recieved my "deposit reconciliation" in the mail, and I use quotes because I believe I am being snarky even though, in this case, the quotes make absolutely no sense. I am besieged with vexation, because I enjoy using the thesaurus, about the cleaning and trash removal charges. Apparently, you have never heard of Proposition 13, which doesn't pertain to this situation at all, but I think I will scare you with my Google legal degree, and do not understand the ramifications of unlawfully holding a security deposit. According to my lawyer, who doesn't exist, I should be returned my FULL deposit. What I left behind was not "trash", since when is a Iron Gym trash? Since when is a computer screen from 1992 and a flower pinata considered trash? And the German Phrases For Dummies, I supposed that is considered trash, and if so, then I think my pretend lawyer would be happy to know that you are a racist as well as a slumlord. It takes a lot of presumption to charge me for cleaning when I lived in that dump of an "apartment" for over a year. The paint was peeling, the bathtub was dirty when I moved in, and the conditions were unlivable, even though I never complained about it once during my tenancy, and I am clearly pulling stuff out of my butt at this point. I expect to be refunded the remaining balance of my deposit within the next 48 hours. Otherwise I will be forced to see you in small claims court, even though once I get there I will realize it cost more to file a claim than what I am owed by you, and then I will probably just go get a sandwich instead.

Sincerely,

First Name, Middle initial, Last Name




Picture submitted by Marianne for the Picture Contest. 







27 comments:

Anonymous December 26, 2013 at 10:21 AM  

Haha, this letter made this work morning a little more bearable. Thank you.

Anonymous December 26, 2013 at 10:21 AM  

Haha, this letter made this work morning a little more bearable. Thank you.

Anonymous December 26, 2013 at 10:26 AM  

I have had so many of these.

Anonymous December 26, 2013 at 10:26 AM  

I have had so many of these.

Christy February 5, 2014 at 8:57 PM  

I just discovered this blog! Thank you, I have way too many of these letters. Google legal degree. Lol

Grace February 5, 2014 at 9:28 PM  

I quite literally laughed out loud.

Toni February 6, 2014 at 7:22 AM  

I would love to use this for our company newsletter. With credit to you obviously, our managers would get a kick out of it.

Lara February 7, 2014 at 2:20 PM  

This is too funny because it is so true! I swear to you my friends never believe me when I tell them my work stories. It's such a crazy business. I always say I should start filming and create a reality show.

Dianna Lieberman February 11, 2014 at 4:20 PM  

Goodness - I really can't even imagine being an apartment manager... I don't think I could handle this nonsense. More power to you!

Mommy Mafia February 11, 2014 at 8:09 PM  

Bahahahaha! As a property owner who self managed my own properties for quite a while, I just LOVE your blog. This post, however is hilarious! You go old man pimp!

Felicia February 12, 2014 at 4:20 AM  

Haha, this is too funny! It certainly made my morning and I had to stifle my laughs so I wouldn't wake anyone at my house up! Thank you for lightening my morning, I needed it!

Emily February 12, 2014 at 5:11 AM  

Oh my goodness. LoL! I do not envy what you have to deal with. I am sure you get it all. Stopping by from the SITS Girls Comment Love--glad I got a good laugh in this morning!

Ebony February 12, 2014 at 8:41 AM  

This is hilarious! Thinking of sending something like this to my owner when I move in two weeks jk but I'm sure the look on her face would be priceless lol stopping by from SITS girls!

Elle Ay Esse February 12, 2014 at 8:48 AM  

I cried I laughed so hard! As an apartment dweller most of my life, I really enjoyed this post! Made my day!

And I may just copy and paste it into a word doc to mail to my current leasing office ;)

Coming from the Comment Love Tribe
-Elle

Emily Hammann February 12, 2014 at 9:22 AM  

LMAO!! This letter had me cracking up. And the attached photo just made it even better. :) I am a former hotel manager. I understand some of your pain. My renters were night to night, so slightly different, but I am sure we have run into some similar situations. LOL I can't wait to read more of your stories... have a great one!
#SITSblogging

GJT February 12, 2014 at 11:07 AM  

Wow. Just....wow. The nerve of some people! When we moved in to our home, the previous owners were lazy enough to leave a half-eaten cake in the fridge, which felt like a giant middle-finger to us. However, finding a Coach purse that was left behind in the closet made up for it! Stopping by from the SITS challenge!

MCM Mama February 12, 2014 at 11:18 AM  

Ha! Your blog is hilarious and people are just crazy...

Stopping by from SITS

Ida Arias February 12, 2014 at 12:00 PM  

You "Google legal degree" is hilarious. That's so me, I think I know everything that I Google!

Stopping by with comment love from the SITS girls!

LazyHippieMama February 12, 2014 at 12:47 PM  

That pinata cost good money, you know! LOL!!! Too funny. Thank you for the giggles today. :)

Erica {let why lead} February 12, 2014 at 1:55 PM  

WO! I had no idea a blog like yours exits! Love it! I'm visiting from SITS, but *I* manage a building of 53 units! Yeah, I have stories too. Although I doubt any are as creative and outlandish as yours. Can't wait to poke around more!

diane padoven February 12, 2014 at 2:23 PM  

ok..i needed a laugh today and you more thann delivered!

Thank you

best,
diane
napa farmhouse 1885

Dropping by from SITS girls today.
#SITSBlogging

Heather February 12, 2014 at 5:23 PM  

Your letter gave me a good laugh while I sit in my house in an ice storm knowing I'm stuck for days and soon the laughter will be gone...at least I know I can return here for a chuckle.

I am a huge fan of "snarky" quotes and using big words to warn people of my intent to get them to do what I want (when I want them to do it).

Love it!

Hakima Lamour February 12, 2014 at 6:23 PM  

Hahahaha!! This was snarky and super funny! My hubby is snarky so I have to appreciate it in others. You won't believe what we encountered when we moved in this rental home for 2 years.. apparently the folks who lived there before us really made no efforts to clean while they lived there nor when they moved out! There was dog hair every where and dirt on top of dirt. I mean soo much doggy hair that we lived on the second floor of the home until I got a chance to clean the entire first floor! There was hair on the ceiling fan in the kitchen and even under the fridge!

Holly February 12, 2014 at 7:15 PM  

Wow. Interesting blog here. I can honestly say yours is the first blog of this type I have ever come across! I have many "fond" apartment memories, most notably our neighbor we called the "pig farmer" because around 4 a.m. we could hear a woman squealing like a pig from his place. Truth!

Stopping by for #SITSblogging

Emily @ Words I Wheel By February 13, 2014 at 8:05 AM  

Ha! This blog is super entertaining. I'll be scrolling through for a while. Glad I found it through #SITSBlogging.

Gabby February 13, 2014 at 9:14 PM  

Classy. :) True story. I've always gotten my apartment deposits back. Always. Not that hard, people!! Found you via SITS!!

Global Gate Controls April 29, 2014 at 1:11 PM  

This is so great! We love sharing the humorous woes of property management with our clients. Thank you for the entertaining reads and we look forward to reading (and sharing) more of your blog posts. -Global Gate Controls

 
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