License To Kill

This one was submitted by PV a fellow property manager....

One day when I was going through one of the buildings in the apartment community I managed doing unit to unit inspections, I came to Mr. Jones' apartment (This is his real last name, and think it is safe to use it as there are only a few Joneses in the world, right?) Mr. Jones had a cat (and I should mention Mr. Jones was not the tidiest of people. He could have been on an upcoming episode ofHoarders on A&E). The community allows cats in the apartments if the resident pays a deposit and signs a pet addendum. Obviously you can see I am heading in the direction of saying Mr. Jones did not have a signed pet addendum or pet deposit on record. You would be correct in that assumption. So, I get back to the office and remind Mr. Jones that we must have his cooperation immediately in getting the deposit and addendum taken care of, or I would have no choice to force him to get rid of the cat, or file for eviction. I also noted that he should contact me if he had any questions or concerns. BIG MISTAKE!

The next morning I pull into the parking lot and as I am walking to the office through the parking lot, who do I see headed straight for the leasing office but Mr. Jones. (Deep breathes, deep breathes, deep breathes). I hate getting in arguments with residents, and knew this one would be a zinger! I make nice and say hello to Mr. Jones, but he isn't taking to my niceties.

He barges into my office right behind me, not letting me take off my jacket, get a cup of coffee, check voicemail...NOTHING. The following is the conversation we had (or something close to it):

Mr. Jones: Why do you hate me? Why are you so mean to me? You're a cat killer!

Me: What do you mean? Because I asked you to follow the rules of the community and pay a pet deposit and sign a pet addendum?

MJ: You can't force me to pay anything. Why don't you fix the problem with the cockroaches in my apartment. I've been dealing with them for months now, and you won't do a damned thing to get rid of them. Do you know how embarrassing it is to have your 9 year old daughter be afraid to come over because of the cock roaches.

Me: You have cockroaches? Did you tell me you had cockroaches?

MJ: No. Thats why I have the cat. The cat eats the cockroaches.

Me: So you think I am psychic? You think I know what is going on in each and every one of the 220 apartments 24/7 in this community? And I didn't know cockroaches were natural prey for a cat. Interesting...

MJ: Perhaps...you're a smart A** , you should be smart enough to figure it out.

Me: Smart a**? Believe me Mr. Jones, I am not being a smart ass...yet. You will know when I am being a smart ass.

MJ: You are a smart ass, making me get rid of my cat. I know you get off on being mean to people like that, like forcing them to get rid of their children. You're making me bring it to the humane society and they are going to kill my cat. You're a cat killer!

Me: WHOA! First of all, I am not forcing you to get rid of your cat, you need to pay the deposit and sign the addendum and I would be a happy camper. Second, I have 2 cats of my own, and I know they are like family, I don't have kids, my cats are my kids, so I don't "get off" on forcing others to get rid of their pets. Thirdly, the humane society has a no kill policy...if the cat is able to be adopted out, they will put it up for adoption, unless it is too sick or diseased, they may have to put her down. Fouthly, if you can't afford to pay the $250 deposit right now, I will gladly come up with a payment arrangement for you to pay down the deposit debt. Is there a certain amount you can pay each week or each paycheck? Finally, let me call the pest control people so we can get them to your apartment and start treating for the cockroach problem before they start spreading to other apartments.

(Around this point my Assistant Manager comes in and sits at her desk. My assistant, by the way, hates confrontation even more than I do. She'd much rather crawl in a corner in the fetal position that argue with a resident)

MJ: I can pay $75 every other week to pay it off.

Me: Perfect, I will type something up and send a copy of the agreement to you for you sign and return to the office.

MJ: OK

Me: I will also let you know when the pest control people will be stopping by to begin treatment of your apartment.

MJ: Begin? What do you mean? They won't get it done right away by setting traps?

Me: No, they bait to actually create more activity amongst the cockroaches to draw them through the poison to being back to the nests.

MJ: You're full of $*it!!!!!! You don't know what you're talking about. You think you know everything.

Me: Excuse me? I've dealt with cockroaches in apartments a few times before, and know this is how they treat for them.

MJ: No, they will spray and kill them all.

Me: Yes, eventually they will die, but not right away, it will take 10-14 days, unfortunately.

MJ: You expect me to live like that? Live with cockroaches for 10-14 days? That is completely unacceptable. I am calling the city to have them come and inspect my apartment. There is no way the health department would let this fly. I am also going to get them to revoke your license.

Me: Umm, are you sure you want to start that ball rolling? It wouldn't be the health department coming out, it would be the fire department coming out, I know this because someone else tried doing this last year and it backfired on them. You see, the fire inspector was so disgusted by the cleanliness of the complainants apartment, she made them clean it up! Are you sure you want to go there? I would be happy to give you her number. Oh, and what license are you threatening to have revoked?

MJ: Your real estate license, or what every license you need to do you job that you don't know how to do!

Me: Really, I need a license to do this job? Thats news to me! I have a driver's license...would they take that? How about my license to be fabulous?

Ok, so that last sentence really showed off my smart assery skills. My assistant literally had to get up and leave the room because she was so mortified that I said that. Mr. Jones never did pay his pet deposit. Eventually, a couple months after this all started he moved out. I think he brought the cat and cockroaches with him.

I think smart assery skills is a job requirement.

Thank you for sharing your crazy tenants with us!