Crazy Gate Lady(Flash Back Friday)

A few months back, we were having problems with the front gate. It is a very sensitive, and for one reason or another, it kept coming off track. So one day, when I was walking the property, I notice a woman standing at the gate obviously waiting for a friend, but she had her foot resting on the gate and was rocking it back and forth.

I was at a distance, but I asked the woman politely to remove her foot. She didn't move. So I ask again in a slightly higher voice. Again, her foot remained on the gate and she continued to rock even harder.

I assumed she did not hear me, so I walked up to her and said..

"Excuse me, can you please not put your foot on the gate."

Crazy Gate Lady:"Don't you have anything better to do than to (Bleep) and moan at me?"

Me:"Well, I am actually the apartment manager here and that gate is very sensitive so I would appreciate if you would remove your foot."

Crazy Gate Lady: "Leave me the (bleep) alone, you think I am too (bleepin) heavy for the gate? You wouldn't understand you skinny little (bleep)!"

Of course you know what my next reaction is...

"You think I am skinny! Well, thank you! Now get your foot off the gate please."

I wont lie, that kind of made my day. 

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The FELONY!

It was a wonderful day.

Sun shining.

Birds chirping.

Elmo singing.

Freeway humming.

It was just one of those warm and fuzzy, hearts and flowers, rainbows and bunnies, kind of days.

I then unlocked the office door.

And it all went to crap.

A tenant barges through the front door.

Because it is a well-known fact, that one cannot simply stroll through an apartment manager’s office, a dramatic entrance MUST be made—this is very important information, so make sure you write that down.

The guy is an annoying tenant who lives towards the back of the property. He was wearing an undershirt, boxers, white socks and, Birkenstocks.

He storms up to my desk, clearly pissed off, and just stares at me, as if I am able to read minds.

I stare back, wide eyed and waiting. 

Elmo still singing about the joys of potty training in the background.

Finally, Birkenstocks Sock Dude decides to speak.

BSD: “I am so mad.”

Me: “Clearly, why?”

BSD: “I just went into the laundry room, to get my uniform out of the dryer, and it has been stolen!”

Me: “I am sorry about that. When did you put it in there? I just opened the laundry rooms fifteen minutes ago?”

BSD: “Does it matter?” 

Me: “Uh, yes.”

BSD: “Yesterday. I already called the police to make a report.”

Me: “About your uniform being stolen, a uniform that you left in the dryer for at least a day?”

BSD: “Yeah, I’m a cop, and stealing a cop’s uniform is a felony.”

Me: “Uhhhhhhh…..I thought you were a security guard at the mall?”

BSD: rolls eyes and shakes his head. “It’s the same thing.”

Me: “Uh, sure.”

The police stroll through an hour later. Birkenstocks Sock Dude is still donning the same outfit, as if putting on clothes would detour the officers from the severity of the situation.

A report was made.

The FBI were put on the case, and America’s Most Wanted plastered a sketch of the suspect on their next broadcast, the local news team swarmed the apartment building, and I hear Brooklyn Decker is set to play me in the movie.

Honestly

Later that day, a tenant came in with the uniform. She said that it was mixed in with her laundry, because she likely threw her wet clothes into the dryer without looking first.

I thanked her for bringing it back.

And then I told her she should assume a different identity and run away to Mexico, because she didn’t know it at the time, but she was now a wanted FELON.

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Meme

I just discovered a meme generator app, and I may have spent a little too much time on there these past few days. 

Just ask my friends, I have sent them entirely too many memes. 

So, I thought I would try my hand at creating a few for this here blog of mine. 

Happy Monday!

Apartment Manager Memes
Property Management Memes

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Armageddon

I have lived in California all my life.
Here is Southern California, we don't have much in way of climate changes.
And when there is a deviation to the normal sunny and 75 F weather, the local newscasters get a little too excited.





Now, California is known as earthquake country.
However, like mentioned, I have lived here all my life and never been a BIG earthquake.
knocking on wood repeatedly. 

I have, however, experienced little earthquakes 4.5, 4.7, 5.0.... not big enough to cause any damage, just big enough to make you crap your pants, figuratively speaking.

One day, I was standing in my kitchen, holding my baby in my arms, when the earth started to shake.
It took me entirely too long to realize that this was an earthquake, and not my upstairs neighbors doing their morning Zumba routine.
I grabbed my daughter and we ran to the doorway, but I quickly realized we couldn't all fit, as I had my babysitter there as well.
So, we ran over to the kitchen table and crawled under.
Then I realized that this kitchen table is from Ikea, crap!
So, I decided to run outside and sit in the middle of the courtyard.
Obviously, I am a genius.
By this time the earth had stopped moving.

This happened in the middle of the day, so not many tenants were home, except the French dude(as mentioned in post below). He came running out of his apartment, looking as if he had just seen a ghost.
He came up to me and said, "what was that?"
I explained it was an earthquake.
Do they not have earthquakes in France?
Anyways, he was shaken up, and so upset that I was not going door to door, in a large complex, to see if everyone was okay.
So, he took it upon himself to do so.
Went door to door.
Almost no one was home.
And those that were, looked at him like he was crazy.
Then, he sat on a lounge chair by the pool for the rest of the day, with his head in his hands.
Did I mention he was only wearing boxers?
No, well, yeah, so he was in his undies running from door to door.
He handed in his notice to vacate three days later.

About an hour after the 4.5 earthquake, a team of firemen came barging through the front office door.
One of my tenants had called 9-1-1, because she dropped a knife on her foot during the earthquake.
And not just any knife, but a butter-knife.
insert eye roll
The paramedics administered a band-aid.
She too handed in her notice vacate shortly after.


Another earthquake happened on Easter.
We were all sitting outside eating dinner when a sudden wave of nausea abruptly killed my appetite.
I looked up at my husband, and he too looked sick.
"Look at the blinds," he then said.
I looked over at the apartment across from us, the blinds were swinging from side to side.

Everyone came barging out of their apartments.
"Earthquake!" yelled several tenants, as they ran down the stairs.
They all congregated around me and my family as we ate our Easter hamburgers.
"What should we do?" one asked.
I shrugged, "go back to your apartment? Make sure there isn't any damage I suppose."

Everyone was upset, crying, holding each other, and wondering what the right course of action should be.
I mean, honestly people, this is the video that kept playing over and over and over again on the news.


It wasn't Armageddon.

The following day I received two 30-Day notice to vacate.

As if earthquakes only happen at this complex, not the one next door.
Sometimes I think tenants believe apartment managers hold entirely too much power.
Example. 

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HA-HA-HA!

Someone sent me this video, actually, several people sent me this video.
 It is funny because it is true.
                   .





And this will make you laugh too.

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Say What?

I hope everyone had a relaxing Thanksgiving. 

Mine was great--ate a bunch of turkey, lots of leftovers, fun with family, learned Paul Walker died :(, ate three slices of pumpkin pie in his honor, watched Catching Fire, ate more left overs....and now, I never want to look at another turkey for at least twelve more months-blah! 

Remember Give-Away below! I have received some awesome pictures, and I can't wait to see more. 

This was submitted by Terry Feinberg who used to be the CEO of the Tri-County Apartment Association(Bay area, CA). He also used to write a housing column for the San Jose Mercury News, and this was his favorite article with real quotes and his own commentary added in. 

The police tell of excuses people have used to avoid speeding tickets.

Insurance companies tell funny stories people have used to explain accidents.

I have some gems rental housing owners have received from tenants over the

years.

''The garage was too dirty, so I had to rebuild my motorcycle engine in

the living room.'' (Give the guy points for honesty, but still use the security

deposit to replace the carpet.)

''The toilet seat is cracked, where do I stand?'' (Perhaps if she used the

toilet seat for its intended purpose, it might not have cracked in the first

place.)

''Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.'' (A

variation on a theme, but we really do need to improve the education

system in California.)

''I know it's my fault, but who's going to pay for it?'' (This would be

funny if it wasn't so pathetic.)

''I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the

wall.'' (If only the wall had paid more attention.)

''I've had a little problem and will pay my rent as soon as I get out of

jail.'' (Did you check references on this guy?)

''I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.'' (At

least he didn't ask the owner to help.)

''The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is

cleared.'' (Should you send a plumber, or call Child Protective Services?)

''This is to let you know there is a smell coming from the man next

door.'' (I wouldn't touch that one with a 10-foot pole.)

''I punched a hole in the wall to make sure there was no

asbestos.'' (Now that's creative.)

''Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk.

Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.'' (Perhaps if he had

helped her get up instead.)

''Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a

third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.'' (Have you

suggested they take a walk down the sidewalk?)

''Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her

toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.'' (And how exactly did she

do that?)

''When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new

drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job

and keep my wife happy.'' (I'm not making this up!)

OK, time to turn the tables. Here's one from a rental owner to a prominent

attorney:

''How long does it take for a 3-day notice.'' (Would you believe 27 days less

than a 30-day notice?)

Thanks Terry!

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Just when you think you have heard it all...

I was doing a walk through with a tenant who is moving out shortly.
The carpet was in perfect condition.
The walls looked untouched.
The place was perfectly clean.
I then head into the bedroom.
There right at the head of his bed was a giant hole.
I had to ask.

He told me that he was doing "power stretches" in bed and accidentally put his hand through the wall.

huh?

I wanted to ask but didn't what exactly a "power stretch" was...but I do have a few guesses.

Three words: Crochet Cat Pillow

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Evict Me Please

About a year ago a tenant, whom was a very nice guy, came in and asked me if he could ask me for a favor...which I always find funny when people ask if they can ask for a favor instead of asking if you can ask, why don't you just ask and save yourself the extra question...sigh...oh sorry I digress.

Anyways, this tenant comes in and asks me if I would please evict him.
What?!?!
He then explained that money was tight and he needed to dip into his 401K in order to make rent. I guess the fastest way to get the money without having to wait a certain amount of days is if it's an emergency, and being evicted is an emergency.

I guess I was a little perplexed by the situation. Here I had a great tenant who had lived here for almost 20 years asking me to evict him. Hmmm. I explained that in order for me to evict him I would have to wait for him to be at least 3 days past his rent and then I would have to pay our lawyer to file an eviction against him. All the while he would be accruing late fees and lawyer fees.

I asked him if he could at least pay partial rent that day and pay the rest in payments through out the month. I would rather deal with late payments then to have a vacancy and the costs of turning over a 20 year old apartment. He told me that he could pay me a partial payment and give me the rest around the 15 of the month. Which sounded a lot more...oh I don't know...whats the word...smart, yes that 's the word. It sounded a lot more smart than to go through an eviction process.

The next day he wrote me a check for the rent minus $200 dollars. Really?? You wanted to be evicted to dip into your 401K for $200 bucks?!?
The best part is that three weeks later UPS dropped off a big box for them that said XBox 360 on it.

Seriously?!

Am I the only person who believes that paying for the roof over your head is more important than games/purses/cars/presents??? Honestly? What is the point of having a Xbox if you have no place to plug it into??

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She is volatile

My friend who manages a few complexes in a popular beach town called me this morning to tell me this story that was to good to not share.

At 11.38pm she received a message on her answer machine from one of her tenants. This particular tenant starts the usual I am sorry to call so late, then goes into explain how his girlfriend and him got in a fight over his 8 year old son. Apparently his baby's momma was supposed to take his son this weekend but backed out at the last minute and because of this his girlfriend is kicking him out of his apartment. (Yes, it makes perfect sense to call your apartment manager at 11:38pm to tell her about your baby momma drama?? Honestly)

Apparently explaining his relationship woes wasn't his main purpose for calling. He then goes into how he would like my friend, his manager to come with him to get his stuff because his girlfriend is and I quote volatile . 

Seriously?!? What makes him think that his manager would want to go near his volatile girlfriend. Especially since the first description of the word volatile is having the ability to fly. ????

So to all of those renters out there, if your girlfriend is flying around and trying to kick you out of your apartment due to baby momma drama you should probably call the police or a exorcist, possibly Jerry Springer but don't call your manager. That, believe it or not is not part of our job description.

Happy Halloween!

Thank D for sharing your crazy tenants with me 

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Kung-Fu!

Due to the poor economy I have had a lot of tenants move because they have lost their jobs or they have decided to move in with their families to save money. Thus the result is many vacancies. I am in a neighborhood where there are A LOT of apartment complexes AND I am tucked away in a cul de sac so I don't have the best exposure. So when I get perspective tenants I put my best smile on and try to sell sell sell. Please push play.

SO I am showing an apartment to these two young girls. They are asking the normal questions "is it safe here?" "what's parking like?" I decide to show them the parking area since I believe it's one of our biggest selling points. As I round the corner I see one of our tenants who is notorious for talking to himself full on having a argument(with himself)in the middle of the parking lot. AND just to add to the awkwardness of the situation he was also doing karate moves. Just one man, Screaming to the air Kicking all around Even throwing in a spin kick Punching the air SERIOUSLY?!? People, really I could not make this up. What do you say to that??? "Um, yes this place is very safe. For example this is our resident security guard." "We don't allow drugs here on the property, but I am pretty sure if you do drugs he might know where to get them"

Seriously?!? Honestly?!? How am I supposed to work with this?

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When is it okay to lie?

I am having a personal conflict.

My momma taught me not to lie.

My pastor/priest/bishop always said don't lie.

Even Abraham Lincoln himself said not to lie(or was that Washington?).

BUT I am pretty sure had they known Mr.Hyde* they might be tempted to break that 9th commandment.

Let me back up here so you can understand my predicament...

Almost a year ago I moved in a couple who seemed very nice. They had mentioned they were having problems with their current apartment managers(first clue, duh!) and that their apartment had been flooded and they were looking to move asap. Their credit checked out and apparently their apartment manager didn't have much of a conscience and so willing dumped her problem onto poor, innocent me.

The couple were slated to move in on a Friday but decided late Thursday night that they would like to move in because they only had the truck and helpers that night. So we quickly moved them in and all was well. So I thought!

Mr. Hyde came to me and was pacing and smoking and shaking and going on and on and on about how everything in his apartment is broken. EVERYTHING! I ask him to please make a list of the things that need to be fixed and I will have that taken care of asap. One week later he shows up with a list of four things, yes FOUR things and a box of See's candy saying he was sorry and everything was fine except those four things. WHAT! Did I miss something. I was totally going to toss the See's but my husband, not knowing it was from Mr. Hyde, downed the entire box. Just so you know he is still alive and well.

So again I think everything is fine and then a month later Mr. Hyde comes into my office going on and on and on how everything is broken and the carpet needs to be replaced...blah blah blah. He is also so unhappy with me because he thinks I am a lazy manager because I didn't do anything about his previous requests. Seriously!?! I almost break my neck form the whiplash and ask him to leave my office immediately. I then talk to his girlfriend Ms Jekyll who is soft spoken, level headed and very nice(she must be on some sort of medication) . I explain I have no problem replacing the carpet but I was not going to replace the cupboards all the doors, the windows and basically tear down the entire apartment and rebuild it for him. Of course they declined and everything was fine again....

Then I am walking the property and he comes storming up behind me and asks for my bosses number I obliged because I have the best boss ever and at least he will be able to wittiness this craziness(and know it's not me). Luckily Mr. Hyde didn't disappoint and did his crazy talk to him as well. Since he is on a lease(why oh why did I do a 1 year lease with them?!?!?) we don't feel like going through an eviction so we basically said find a new place to live and we will let you out of your lease because obviously this relationship isn't working. Now this conversation happened about a month ago and...nothing which is not surprising.

Then today I get a fax from another apartment manager looking for resident verification. My first thought is yes please take him please take him away!!! The fax had only a few questions:

Does this person live there? Yes (unfortunately)

Did they pay their rent on time? Yes

How long has tenant lived at this address? 9 months (it feels like an eternity)

Were they evicted or given 30/60 notice? No (technically they weren't)

Were they a good tenant?....... (No! I am pretty sure he is the devil. This has not be confirmed nor denied. It's simply a theory)

Would you rent to them again?......... (H NO!)

Do I leave it blank which is code for "good luck with that one"? Do I risk eternal damnation by putting yes and sending this poor manager the crazy Mr. Hyde? If what goes around comes around is true then will I just get another Mr. Hyde??

Decisions, decisions.

Well actually it really isn't really a hard decision but sometimes I like acting like I have a conscience.

*Name changed for crazy tenants protection

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Smile you are on candid camera

We have a lot of vacancies. Every time I rent an apartment, someone else moves out. It's very frustrating. I just want a full apartment complex so that I can just collect rent, boss around maintenance people and watch Oprah.

Is that to much to ask??

Honestly.

Because of this vacancy business I actually have to work more(loud sigh)

So I have been showing a lot of apartments lately and I always find it funny the random/strange/creepy/funny questions that I get.

Here are a few I received lately and I promise, cross my heart that these are true.

"What is this for?"

"It's the living room"

"But what is it for?"

"To put your furniture in."

"Oh, then what is this for?"

"It's a closet"

"But what is it for?"

"To put stuff in"

...and it goes on and on...

side note: please feel free to feel sorry for me because this person actually qualified and signed a one year lease....it's going to be a long year.

---------------------------

I was showing a couple a one bedroom and I happen to have my little son with me resting on my hip when the man points to him and says

"Is that yours?"

Who, this kid that keeps calling me Momma? Oh no I actually just cleaned out my closet and found him. Crazy huh. I was going to throw him in the DI pile but decided to try him on.

DUH!

---------------------------

A man comes in and he has a strange odor, a pretty obvious comb over and is wearing alarmingly short shorts made from sweatpants material (I am not sure of what they are called, I personally don't own a pair, nor should anyone for that matter) and a blue shirt tucked tightly into his shorts. He goes down a list of questions about our studio apartment ranging from when the building was built, how many times the apartment has been painted, is the owner a man or a woman and so on and so forth. You know the normal questions you ask when looking at an apartment.

So I show him the apartment and decide to stand in the doorway while he looks just to error on the side of caution since I couldn't decide if this man was dangerous or just really weird. After I show him the apartment we go back to the lobby were he takes a seat at the couch and asks me to sit across from him.

I sit down (noting all the possible exits) and the man explains that he actually lives in Arizona but would like to use our address and a apartment number to receive mail because he is looking for a job here.

Oh okay, yes, that makes perfect sense.

The annoying part is it took me almost 45 minutes to try and convince him it would be much easier to actually live in the same state you work in.

But preferably in a different complex, like on the other side of town.

------------------------------

~"Is this building made from wood?"

No it's made from straw so try not to sneeze

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Have you seen...

I had a creepy tenant. Who often asked to film "movies" in our lobby. He smelled rather bad and would call me sweetheart. I did not move him in, this was a previous managers work. So when his roommate came pounding on my door late one night saying and I quote "(name) stole my refrigerator! I told you to watch him!"

Seriously?!? Yes, this is my job. How could I forget.

He also explained that this roommate had taken his computer that he just bought him and some other belongings (I don't ask). I was just happy that the creepy guy was gone.

So the other day when the cops show up with a photo line-up and I see the creepy ex-tenant on it I am not shocked. I explained that yes I know this guy, that yes he used to live here and no I don't know where he went I just know he has his roommates refrigerator.

I hope that helped.

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Honesty isn't always necessary

It was 8:30PM on a Saturday night and I was just about to sit down and watch a movie with my husband when the phone rings. I generally pick up the phone even when we are closed. I answer the phone and a women half way asleep answers. She asks if she can come see the apartment right now?!? When I tell her it's too late and ask if I could possibly show her tomorrow she tells me that should work for her. Great.... and then for some reason she felt the need to tell me and I quote "I really wanted to come see the apartment earlier today, I don't have a lot of money, I don't make enough to always pay the rent. But I took too many pain pills and I fell asleep and I just woke up."

-Nice

Oh and I will be posting about my fun encounter with the cops today. It's always fun when they show up and show you a line up with one of your RESIDENTS on it! I guess I shouldn't be surprised being that he asked if he could film an adult movie in our lobby.

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Reasons For Not Paying Rent

Tenant: "I tried to pay rent but you were closed"

Me: "Why didn't you drop it in the 24 hour slot?"

Tenant: "I didn't know there was a 24 hour slot"

Me: "That is where you dropped your rent last month"

"I am not going to pay rent because the gym was closed for a whole week this month."

"I had to buy presents for Christmas, I couldn't not get my kids presents."

"Here is the rent check but can you not deposit it until the 20th?"

"I had to bail my boyfriend out of jail so I am going to be late this month."

Tenant: "If I don't pay rent this month what is going to happen?"

Me: "You will get evicted"

Tenant: "Really, why? That's ridiculous"

Tenant walks in puts down their new iPhone, keys to their BMW and their LV bag and tells me they can not pay rent this month, because they had other bills that were way more important.

Isn't having a place to live considered high on the bill list, or is that just me?

"You didn't get my rent? What! I mailed it to you! The post office must have lost it"

"Why would you mail me the check when you live next door?"

"Um...you were closed"

I love how tenants conveientaly forget about the 24 hour drop box only on certain months

I can’t pay my rent because….

"The Heat chocked and lost the &*%$*& series."

"My grandma is visiting, and I want to take her out to a nice dinner."

"The gardeners start mowing the %$#&@ lawn before noon every $%&#$-in week, and I should have peace and quiet until a reasonable hour." 

"I don't have washer and dryer hook-ups in my apartment, and I hear the complex across the street does."

"I think my apartment is haunted."

"Because a gypsy stole all my money." 

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First Impression

When someone walks into my office it's my turn to SELL SELL SELL. Once the perspective tenant decides that they would in fact like to rent my apartment it is now THEIR turn to sell sell sell. Why you ask?

As a manager you don't want vacancies. But you also don't want to deal with crazy tenants who don't pay rent and cause problems. The later almost always trumps the first. At least a vacant apartment is not going to cost you thousands in lawyer fees, gray hairs and the occasional frantic 9-1-1 call(that story coming later).

So what we often do as managers is have the applicant fill out the application, do a background check, credit check and then check with past landlords and verify their jobs. Even after all this it still can not give you a real clear picture of if this person will in fact be a good tenant. We as landlords rely A LOT on first impressions and that first meeting.

Now here is a list I have made from my own personal experience of what I would say are key signs that this paticular person would NOT make a good renter. Again just based off first meetings....

When a person starts off the conversation with "How much do you charge for NSF checks?" (Non suffiecent funds, basically writting a bad rent check)

When someone shows up with no shirt on. I don't need to see all the tatoos you got in prison.

Creepy old men should not ask how many children live in the complex.

When a large man comes running into the office and says he needs to rent an apartment "RIGHT NOW!" and keeps looking behind his shoulder as if someone is following him.

When you tell someone that you run a credit and background check and they ask if you can just run the credit. Ummm, scary.

When two roomates are looking at an apartment and talking about how many awesome parties they can have here.

When you ask someone why they are moving and they point blank say "I am being evicted"

When someone shows up drunk/high to look at an apartment.

One time I am showing an apartment and someone is looking at the bathroom and full on unzips his pants and starts peeing in the toilet. Oh gee don't mind me standing right here.

When someone says they would like to pay 6 months rent in advance but has to write a check for double the amount so if we could just deposit the check for him and give him the balance that would be great....do I look like I was born yesterday. Honestly!

"I really love the apartment, is there is school near by?"

"Yes there is right around the corner actually."

"Oh I see about how many feet would you say it is?"

Seriously???

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Excuse Me?!

Here is a good one I can't take credit for...thanks to Devyn

Currently I have over 7 vacancies in a 60 unit building. Over 10% vacancies = unhappy boss=no bonus. So I decided to start working on Sundays to help get some of these vacancies moving. I had a beautiful couple come in that were expecting their first child and wanted a quiet place to start their family(music to any landlords ears). I walked them to the back apartment while up talking how clean and quiet and safe this complex is. They loved the grounds, the townhouse style apartments, I was having one of those moments where my inner saleswoman was resurfacing and all I could think about was the commission that I desperately needed from this....and then I unlock the door!

As soon as I smelled the odor I should have walked to a different apartment. Everyone made a face acknowledging the odor but not saying anything out loud. As we walk upstairs I think I hear water running, we walk toward the bathroom and there he was in all his glory. A homeless man taking a shower and don't worry there was no curtain on this shower. So all we saw was this extremely harry homeless man washing away. I wasn't exactly sure how to recover from such a devastating sight so I simply walked back down the stairs. The couple didn't say much even after I offered to show them a different unit. Much to my surprise they decided not to rent the apartment.

As soon as they left I picked up my phone to call the police when the homeless man walks into the office. I turned around and before I could say anything he says and I quote "it is rude to walk in on someone in the shower $$%&#" then he says "the world will end in 72hours, good bye and good luck" and then storms out leaving his stench behind(apparently it takes more than one shower to rid the homeless smell).

Seriously Devyn?!? You should have just told them that this is such a good clean and nice area that even the homeless are well groomed.

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To all renters out there,

Dear Tenants,

The little slots on the front of the washers and dryers are for quarters only. The machines do not accept any other form of payment such as —Chuck-e-Cheese coins, buttons, metal washers, Canadian currency or gum. If you should find yourself perplexed as to whether the small round item in your hand will work— simply look at it, if George Washington is on one side, an eagle is on the other, and it says QUARTER DOLLAR across the bottom, chances are you are safe to proceed. If you are still unsure, please seek out your nearest five year old for guidance.

Rent is still due the first of every month. Not every other month, not just when you feel like it, and not only once you’ve received an eviction notice—but, every single month. Despite popular belief, expecting you to pay rent, on the apartment in which you are renting, does not make the owner a money hungry a-hole, even when you claim to have lost your job, but miraculously found the money to buy a new iPhone. 

Please note that the emergency phone line is used for just that, EMERGENCIES. Dropping your contact lens down the drain is not an emergency. Your cable goes out, not my problem, and also not an emergency. It’s 2:00 a.m., and you decide to install your own bidet, but screw it up because you have no idea how to use tools—not an emergency.  If you are renting a downstairs unit, you will hear the neighbors above you walk. Sorry, I cannot require residents to levitate—this is also not an emergency

Poo colored water dripping from your ceiling—emergency. You smell smoke, and notice the fire alarm in your neighbors’ apartment has been going off for over an hour—emergency! If you believe you are having a heart attack, it might prove wise to call 911, as opposed to the emergency line. Fact: being CPR certified is not a job requirement.

The sidewalks are not ashtrays. The laundry room sinks are not trashcans. The bushes are not urinals. If you are in need of directions, phone numbers or dinner reservations, please use the Internet. I am not your personal concierge.

Running power cords from the laundry room to your apartment is not allowed. Yes, I realize the House Rules does not specifically prohibit this. The Owner is naïve, and believed common sense would cover the items not specifically addressed.  If your apartment is lacking in power, try paying your electric bill.

Please understand I don’t care what religion, nationality or gender you are, but if you hang a giant crucifix in the laundry room, I will take it down. When I ask you to refrain from playing your drums at midnight, it’s not because I don’t appreciate good music, it’s because you don’t know how to make it. Plus, your neighbors enjoy using the emergency line.

If you should desire to move-out in the middle of the night, because you asked to get out of your lease without paying the penalty, and I said no—please note the U-Haul truck is the exact same height as the protruding patios. It cost $700 to repair the patio, even more to repair the top of the U-Haul, and if I find you stuck under a patio at 1:00 a.m. I will still make you pay the lease-breaking fee.

Thank you in advance to those of you who choose to cooperate. I hope you understand that I work very hard to keep this complex safe and enjoyable for both you and your guests.

I must go now Ellen is on.  

Sincerely,

Your Apartment Manager

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