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Have you ever been in an argument with someone, and during your mind is a mush of nonsense, and then ten minutes afterward you can think of exactly what you should have said?

Well, I don't often, if ever,  have those moments.

My mind is a pile of mush until I get in a debate with someone. Then my brain flips on, and I can come up with fast responses that are often sharp, mean, cutting and filled with sarcasm.

It's actually a curse.

Trust me.

Or you can ask the crazy guy that lives up the hill, or the mean lady that was behind us at the grocery store, or the clerk with an attitude....

See, I'm a terrible person.

I'm trying to control it.

However, I will say that my curse came in handy as an apartment manager.

For example...

A tenant hands in her thirty-day notice to vacate. She's on a month to month, so there isn't much I can say except for good luck. 

She on the other hand, has plenty to say, as she informs me of her expectation to receive her full deposit back on the day she moves out. When I probe as to why she feels entitled to such, she goes on to explain it is because she does not have a patio. According to her, the advertisement that led her here promised a spacious studio with an attached patio. She felt the previous manager was deceitful—falsely advertising a patio just to rent an apartment without care for the emotional wreckage such a lie would create. Apparently, this poor tenant has been on the verge of emotional ruin over this betrayal for the past two years, and receiving her $300 deposit would solidify her fragile nerves.

It takes every ounce of will power I have not to pull out my imaginary violin, and accompany her emotional tale of deceit. Instead, I question her if she happened to look at the apartment before renting it, which of course she did. I then ask if the little old lady that used to manage the property, manhandled her into signing a lease for an apartment she didn’t want. Understanding her points were not making a dent, she decides to come at me with a more logical scenario.

“(old manager) promised she would get me a patio after I moved in.”

I stare at her. “Just so I have this straight. You are telling me that (old manager) promised to spend thousands of dollars to remodel your apartment? That your tenancy was so important, that she was willing to reconstruct the entire building just so you would rent here?” I suddenly place the exact location of her unit. “Wait, you do have a patio.”

“It’s not private, it’s shared, and it over looks the courtyard.”

Mentally slaps forehead. “As opposed to what? The parking lot? Did you expect an ocean view when you live next to an Edison substation about three cities in from the ocean?” 

"Need I remind you that I am in law school," she countered. 

I think this was supposed to scare me. 

Boo!

"Need I remind you that that only means you don't have enough knowledge of reality to be a real lawyer yet."

"I will bring you the ad that specifically said that this apartment came with a patio."

"Well, I believe that thing protruding from the sliding glass door in your apartment,  is classified as a patio." Maybe the Edison Power Station does zap away brain cells after all.

End result....verdict in favor of the only sane person in this case(Me)

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Precise Bugs

To all my tenants who are moving out.

First off I am not an idiot.

I know, I know it's a shocker.

It can be deceiving at times.

But truly I can smell your bull from a mile away.

And guess what?

It smells.

So while doing a move out inspections and I ask you about this giant hole in your wall please oh please do not try to tell me it was caused by termites.

I do understand that termites can cause damage.

But due to the fact that we do termite inspection once a year in every apartment I am thinking they probably would have caught that...

I am also fairly certain that termites don't trace the hole before they start munching away.

I am also pretty sure that the fact that the hole had cables coming out of it which so conveniently connected to your giant flat screen had EVERYTHING to do with termites and NOTHING to do with poor television installation.

And as much as I hate to tell you...

stupidity is not considered normal wear and tear.

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Normal Wear and Tear

Sorry for the brief delay in postings.

Everyone and their mother is moving out and moving in right now so I am actually having to work.

I KNOW, how horrible is that?

Honestly.

Anyways.

Doing all these move outs got me to thinking.

It seems that every person has a different definition of normal wear and tear.

SO I took it upon myself to clarify.

First off if you live in an apartment less than 6 months then you should have no wear and tear.

End of story.

Really, End of Story.

If your child colors all over the walls that is NOT considered normal wear and tear.

I don't care how or which way you try to twist it(my child's an artist, you have children you should know, it's normal to color on the wall..) you gonna get charged.

Just because a stain wont come up doesn't mean that it's normal wear and tear. For example this weird goop on the floor that smelled kind of like death rolled in mustard is just a nasty stain there is nothing normal about it....

Although I do appreciate you leaving your nasty broom with the death rolled mustard all over it to show that you attempted cleaning it up.

If you have lived in a place for awhile you are going to get high traffic area stains. That is normal and I would agree that you shouldn't be charged for that.

However high traffic areas are usually just worn looking carpet maybe a shade darker then the rest of the carpet...

High traffic areas usually don't have shades of pink and poo stains.

I will continue my list tomorrow.

I must go bathe in Purell

PS-I personally believe a portion of your security deposit should go to me for having to go and assess your nasty mess.

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"Accent Wall"

I finally rented this apartment only to receive 5 more notices to vacate!
Honestly.
Why do people like to move?
Anyways.
I am doing a massive about move-out inspections which are always so much fun.
(note sarcasm)
Tenants get really defensive when you start asking about giant black spots on carpet, holes in walls or black toilets.
This is when every person no matter what their financial status is has a "lawyer" that is apparently standing by anxiously awaiting to take on the case of the $50 dollar cleaning charge.
They obviously have no idea that this property has a lawyer.
A few actually. 
Crazy lawyers.
Lawyers do not scare me.
All these earthquakes, now those scare me.
Spiders scare me.
The move Signs gave me nightmares for years.
But lawyers.
Nope doesn't scare me.

So I was walking a tenants apartment and the first thing I notice is that they decided to paint an accent wall in their bedroom a dark maroon.

I tell them that they will need to repaint that or I will have to charge them and that the charge will probably be a good penny because it's such a dark color and will require primer and a few coats.

They try to convince me to just leave it as a nice accent wall. You know as a good selling point.
Which honestly I would be more inclined to do if they used some tape when painting it not leaving paint on the ceiling, the bottom portion white and not to mention that the wall gradually get's darker as you go left to right.

I tell them no, I wont leave it.

Then they try to tell me that it's normal wear and tear and I can't charge them.

I explain that badly painting a wall is not considered normal wear and tear.

Then they do it....oh I was hoping that they wouldn't...but they did... they pulled the well "I am going to have to consult with my lawyer on that "card.
I hate when tenants who I genuinely like do that.

So I snap closed my file and tell them to please go ahead and consult with their lawyer as a matter of fact please please have your lawyer call me I would be more than happy to speak with him.

Then I walk out.
(I love having the last word)

Still haven't heard from their "lawyer'

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Just when you think you have heard it all...

I was doing a walk through with a tenant who is moving out shortly.
The carpet was in perfect condition.
The walls looked untouched.
The place was perfectly clean.
I then head into the bedroom.
There right at the head of his bed was a giant hole.
I had to ask.

He told me that he was doing "power stretches" in bed and accidentally put his hand through the wall.

huh?

I wanted to ask but didn't what exactly a "power stretch" was...but I do have a few guesses.

Three words: Crochet Cat Pillow

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