How To Write A Bad Apartment Review

If you are wanting to leave a bad apartment review, and not quite sure how to do it, well, you've come to the right place! I am going to help you craft the best worst review the internet has ever seen. You see, there is an art to writing the worst review possible, because what goes on the internet must be both factual and informative. And if not done correctly, ski mask wearing monkeys will come after you in the middle of the night. You've been warned. 

Now, follow these simple tips to help you better write that review on your current/previous horrendous apartment building. 

First

Only review anonymously. If you do, your landlord will NEVER, not EVER, be able to decipher who you are. Nope, not at all. 

Second,

Always make nonsensical comparisons. 

For example:

"Living here is like living in hell! The walls are thin and you can hear everything the people are saying and doing (if you catch my drift) next door."

This is perfection, because now possible renters will know to stay clear, AND, that hell is really just a studio apartment where you are forced to listen to your neighbors talk and uh...I didn't catch his drift, can someone please explain what drift is? 

Another example:

"If you want to be completely miserable and abosultely HATE where you live, deal with miscommunication, and live in a N---- Camp, this is the place for you!"

Well....sorry, I can't make light of this, this person is an idiot. 

Moving on....

Third

Make sure you you ALWAYS, and I mean ALWAYS, talk about where you would rather live. 

For example,

“I rather sleep in a homeless HIV tuberculosis ridden dump than do this again."

See what this reviewer did here? He/she, so beautiful crafted the perfect sentence showcasing both his destain for his apartment building and his intelligence, because I am positive, if given the choice between an apartment and an HIV tuberculosis ridden dump, he would totally choose the latter.

Fourth

This might be the most important part, so please take careful note here. 

If you pay your rent late, were recently evicted, are about to be evicted, play your music at 2am, left your apartment trashed or received a 3/30-day notice to vacate, YOU are exactly the right person to jump on the Internet and trash away!

Good luck, have fun, and make sure to use a lot of CAPS and exclamation marks!!!!!!!!

That way readers will know that you are trustworthy. 

It's really the only way. 

PS-These reviews are hilarious.