How To Write A Bad Apartment Review

>> Tuesday, February 4, 2014

If you are wanting to leave a bad apartment review, and not quite sure how to do it, well, you've come to the right place! I am going to help you craft the best worst review the internet has ever seen. You see, there is an art to writing the worst review possible, because what goes on the internet must be both factual and informative. And if not done correctly, ski mask wearing monkeys will come after you in the middle of the night. You've been warned. 
Now, follow these simple tips to help you better write that review on your current/previous horrendous apartment building. 
First
Only review anonymously. If you do, your landlord will NEVER, not EVER, be able to decipher who you are. Nope, not at all. 

Second,
Always make nonsensical comparisons. 
For example:
"Living here is like living in hell! The walls are thin and you can hear everything the people are saying and doing (if you catch my drift) next door."
This is perfection, because now possible renters will know to stay clear, AND, that hell is really just a studio apartment where you are forced to listen to your neighbors talk and uh...I didn't catch his drift, can someone please explain what drift is? 
Another example:
"If you want to be completely miserable and abosultely HATE where you live, deal with miscommunication, and live in a N---- Camp, this is the place for you!"
Well....sorry, I can't make light of this, this person is an idiot. 
Moving on....

Third
Make sure you you ALWAYS, and I mean ALWAYS, talk about where you would rather live. 
For example,
“I rather sleep in a homeless HIV tuberculosis ridden dump than do this again."
See what this reviewer did here? He/she, so beautiful crafted the perfect sentence showcasing both his destain for his apartment building and his intelligence, because I am positive, if given the choice between an apartment and an HIV tuberculosis ridden dump, he would totally choose the latter.

Fourth
This might be the most important part, so please take careful note here. 
If you pay your rent late, were recently evicted, are about to be evicted, play your music at 2am, left your apartment trashed or received a 3/30-day notice to vacate, YOU are exactly the right person to jump on the Internet and trash away!
Good luck, have fun, and make sure to use a lot of CAPS and exclamation marks!!!!!!!!
That way readers will know that you are trustworthy. 
It's really the only way. 

PS-These reviews are hilarious. 






14 comments:

Kristen January 13, 2014 at 9:09 AM  

Haha! I love this so much. Whenever I go on apartment ratings I am scared to rent anywhere.

Anonymous January 13, 2014 at 9:46 AM  

You forgot to say that it is important to always talk about how poor management is.

Cass January 13, 2014 at 2:16 PM  

Sounds about right. The one time I went online to write decent/positive review I was accused of working for the management. :-)

Lacey January 13, 2014 at 4:00 PM  

So true, and yet so annoying. Sometimes I think the good reviews are filtered out because even the website doesn't believe them.

Jess January 14, 2014 at 7:45 AM  

Bahahaha! This is so so true!

Gina @ MoneywiseMoms February 12, 2014 at 7:50 PM  

Too true--it seems like negative people take the time and energy to put it all out there, while very few put out positive reviews. It happens with customer service all the time.

Fred Haro February 25, 2014 at 11:45 PM  

You have shared the best blog. This is what I really need immediately. Hrothnerta

Serviced Apartments Lady April 16, 2014 at 9:31 AM  

So amusing! Some of the language certainly gets a little...colourful.

Villas in Whitefield July 1, 2014 at 5:15 AM  

Keep up the best work blogger and I wish best of luck for all the Real estate and property industry professionals.

strong1 November 3, 2014 at 8:35 AM  

4Cypress dr in Eustis fl. Do Not rent there, if u like your privacy or sleep. I woke up one morning hearing mens voices in my living room. I live alone, heart pounding i go look n its my landlord n some guy. Jus let themselves in. They come n hang out by my bedroom window making noise, while im sleeping. Type of people who smile in your face n stab u in the back. I could go on, if u waste ur money there, u will regret it!!!

Jenny Dsouza December 18, 2014 at 10:16 PM  

Sounds correct.
Thanks for information
Check out top list of serviced apartments in bangalore

Hadley Taylor August 12, 2015 at 10:30 PM  

I really like this post. I agree that the statement should be made in this post about apartments dothan al, Thanks !

Juleena Joy August 26, 2015 at 4:28 AM  

Thanks sharing your information , i am also living in apartments in dothan , but due to some disturbance i have changing my apartments.Thanks share your information .

Andrew Jackson September 10, 2015 at 3:27 AM  

Great post i like it , Thanks giving such a great review , i also think about that how to give review to dothan apartments which i am living last 4 years .

 
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